Overthinking: Why It Happens and How to Find Calm
Reflecting on thoughts is natural, and is a part of problem solving, But overthinking can become overwhelming. Intrusive and compelling thoughts can become emotionally and physically draining, as well as a spanner in the works when it comes to problem solving. Recognizing its patterns and roots is the first step toward finding calm and clarity.
Quick Read Summary
Overthinking can feel like a car alarm that won’t switch off.
It drains energy, fuels anxiety, and traps us in “what if” loops. Often it’s a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, rejection, or even joy - but it ends up exhausting us instead. By understanding its emotional roots and spotting patterns, writing worries down, setting gentle limits, and turning “what if” into small steps, we can shift reflection into something calmer, kinder, and more useful.
Symptoms and Impact
Overthinking often shows up as rumination, indecision, and mental exhaustion. It can contribute to sleep problems, burnout, and may be linked with anxiety or depression. Many who overthink replay conversations endlessly or obsess over imagined mistakes, draining energy and focus.
The overthinker often experiences shades of paranoia, such as thinking everyone is gossiping about them, or that something awful is about to happen.
Distorted Thinking and Overthinking
Overthinking is the replay of thoughts, while distorted thinking often supplies their content.
- Overthinking: Replaying a conversation repeatedly.
- Distortion: “They must think I’m stupid” (mind reading).
These reinforce each other: distortions fuel more overthinking, while overthinking rehearses distortions until they feel true. Catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, and overgeneralization can trap the mind in loops about past mistakes, character flaws, or imagined negative outcomes.
Emotional Roots of Overthinking
Overthinking often grows from deeper emotional roots. It can be an attempt to guard ourselves against vulnerability.
Anxiety about things we have little to no control over
Turning an issue over in the mind can feel like keeping problems at bay and of creating an illusion of control. Overthinking can edge towards magical thinking - the belief that thoughts can shape things in the real world. Thinking becomes a stand-in for acting, with an underlying belief that the mental effort itself exerts influence on the outcome. There may be a fantasy that to not ruminate about an issue may invite disaster. There may also be a sense of not wanting to be ‘caught off guard’.
Fear of disappointment
Letting yourself feel joy, hope, or pride can feel risky. If the good thing doesn’t last, or if something goes wrong, the “fall” feels sharper. Overthinking (“What if this doesn’t last?” “What if I didn’t really deserve this?”) acts as a buffer against potential let-down.
Positive feelings can make us open and connected, which can make us feel vulnerable. Pride, for example, can expose us to criticism (“What if others think I’m arrogant?”). Joy can feel fleeting. Moving more squarely into the ‘head’, reasserts a sense of control by distancing us from the emotions that go hand in hand with greater openness.
Feeling forgotten
Rumination can distract us from loneliness, abandonment, and feeling disregarded.
If thoughts replay over and over in our mind that our neighbour has a dastardly and elaborate plan to steal from us (and there’s little to no evidence of such a plan), the fantasy may be protecting us from the emotional catastrophe of a world that seems indifferent to us. The therapist, Stephen Grosz, in his book, ‘The examined life: How we lose and find ourselves’, notes that -
we all have moments of bizarre paranoia. He suggests this can sometimes be to protect us from feeling forgotten. It can be better to feel hated, or to worry about impending attack, than to feel forgotten.
As Oscar Wilde noted, “There’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s not being talked about.”
This can become a vicious cycle. The more disconnected we feel from other people, the more paranoid and ruminative we may become, and the more diminished our capacity to connect well with others becomes.
Strategies to Help
Reframe anxiety
A moderate level can be useful, keeping us attentive without overwhelming us. See also my post on anxiety and reframing it as excitement.
Externalize your thoughts
Writing worries down, or drawing them, can help us to feel more emotionally settled, and can help us to spot our cognitive distortions. I find the method of free-writing helpful. Take the issue that you’re ruminating about, and write freely whatever comes into your mind for, say, ten minutes. Don’t pause. If you can’t think of anything just repeat the same sentence until something else comes to you. Read it back to yourself after the time is up. What stands out to you?
Limit worry
Schedule a brief “worry time” each day.
Reality-check distortions
Ask, “What evidence supports this? Could it be otherwise?”
Shift from thought to action
Turn “what if” into “what’s the next small step?” One definition of anxiety is that it is excitement without action. Doing may leave less room for rumination.
Challenge “main character syndrome”
The belief that others obsess over us is both tormenting and seductive. The American writer David Foster Wallace reminded us:
You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.
The sting is realizing others are naturally more preoccupied with their own lives than ours, yet this can also free us from imagined scrutiny. Be compassionate towards yourself. Notice and be curious about what emotions are evoked within you.
Notice what happens in your body
We often store emotions within our body that may underly our overthinking. Be curious about where you feel emotion in your body, or any physical sensations you experience within your body while you're overthinking. Accept and describe these to yourself.
Accept uncertainty
The Russian writer Leo Tolstoy observed, “We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom.” Perhaps this is a little exaggerated, but acknowledgement and acceptance of our fundamental human limits can soften our expectations and make us more open to and less ruminative about our failures and successes. See also the role of perfectionism in my post on anxiety and my post on procrastination.
Final thoughts
Overthinking is often a protective habit rooted in anxiety, fear, or the desire for control, but it can drain energy and trap us in unhelpful mental loops. By recognizing its patterns, exploring its emotional roots, and practicing strategies like writing worries down, reality-checking thoughts, and taking small actionable steps, we can shift from rumination to calm, focused reflection.
How therapy can help with overthinking
Therapy can help you break free from overthinking by helping you to identify and change unhelpful thought patterns, and to explore and address the emotional roots of your overthinking - creating space for calm and inner balance.
If this article resonates with you, and you are interested in working with me to address your overthinking and any other issues you are experiencing, you’re very welcome to book a free 20 minute consultation.
