Navigating the Shifting Sands of Grief

The death of a loved one hits hard. Grief can bring deep sadness, disorientation, yearning, disrupted sleep, appetite changes, fatigue, anger, and a loss of meaning and identity. It can also send us into a flurry of doing.

Loss and grief are a natural, inevitable part of life. While there are common themes in grieving, no two people will grieve in exactly the same way. You are unique, and so was your relationship with the person you've lost. No one will know you — or them —in quite the same way.

There’s no universal grief-path, but it can be comforting to know what experiences are common. You may have some, all, or different ones — at varying intensities and times.

Grief is often framed as five stages, though these are better seen as responses that may overlap or repeat. Grieving is rarely linear or orderly.

Five Common Grief Responses

1. Denial / Distancing

Feeling numb, in shock, or like you're watching life from outside yourself. This protects us when it’s too much to take in. It's possible at the very same time to know and not know (accept and not accept) that your loved one has died. You might be acccutely aware of their death one moment, and the next be instinctively reaching for the phone to call them.

2. Anger

Helplessness can manifest as anger: towards others, strangers, yourself — even the person who died. Guilt may follow. These reactions can be painful, but they are normal.

3. Bargaining

The mind tries to rewrite the story: "If only I’d noticed something and told them to go to the doctors earlier… If only I hadn’t caused them stress.... If I become a better person, they will come back". This is an attempt to regain control.

4. Depression

Sadness sets in as the loss becomes real. Life may feel drained of colour and meaning. This is a natural stage — and often a foundation for later acceptance.

5. Acceptance

Coming to terms with the loss and slowly learning to live without the person, while carrying them forward in new ways.

Other Experiences of Loss

Identity upheaval and evolution

Who you were to them — and they to you — holds meaning. Their absence can shift your sense of self, as well as group dynamics. The roles they played in family or friendship circles are often not fully noticed until they’re gone, leaving a big hole and sometimes disarray.

Existential questioning

Loss can bring mortality into sharp focus. It may stir fears about other loved ones or your own future. It can can force upon us a visceral realization: grief is the price we pay for love. The death of a loved one can evoke reflection on life’s meaning — whether spiritually, philosophically, or personally.

After one of my own losses, I felt both devastated and strangely more alive — more attuned to the beauty and fragility of life. Then came a wave of exhaustion and disconnection — much like the depression stage described earlier.

Sensed-presence experiences

Many bereaved people report seeing, hearing, or feeling the presence of the person who has died — often fleetingly, and usually without distress.
I’ve felt such presence in nature — the song of a blackbird, a single shaft of sunlight through a cloudy sky, even a friendly cat. Psychiatry label these as “grief hallucinations” (experienced by 30–50% of people), but they’re not considered pathological. Many see them as spiritual – usually the lost loved-one offering comfort. I don’t have a fixed view about my own sensed-presence experiences — only that they feel meaningful and helpful.

What Might Help

This list isn’t exhaustive — just a few thoughts to hold in mind:

• Be patient and compassionate with yourself:

  — even with your impatience. Grief takes time.

• Care for your inner child:

  I believe that we tend to carry younger versions of ourselves with us as we grow older. As strange as it may sound, a younger version of you may be grieving in their own way. Be as attentive to them as you can.

• Continuing bonds:

  If it feels right, talk to your loved one. Revisit places you shared. Have a commemorative meal or coffee. Read their favourite book or watch a series or film they liked. Introduce them to something new. Share your troubles. Laugh, cry, and argue with them. You don’t have to let go entirely.

• Be mindful of “if only” loops:

  Regrets about what you did or didn’t do is normal. Maybe there is an unkept promise or not getting around to doing something with them. There may be painful and valuable lessons to be learnt. But we can fall into the illusion that certain acts would’ve brought full closure. They likely wouldn’t have — relationships are always evolving and unfinished. I’ve experienced an overwhelming sense of just wanting one more day with a lost loved one. It would be wonderful to do so. But I’m certain I would want just one more day after that day, too.

• Collateral beauty:

  i With time some good usually emerges from difficult and tragic circumstances. It may be a good character trait of theirs you carry and you now feel more in touch with. Perhaps you have or will forge new, or strengthen existing social connections in the wake of your loss, You might have a new activity or interest you’re able to develop in order to help you to cope and fill some of the hole left behind. These can be acknowledged and valued.

How Therapy Can Help

It can be easier to share the full range of your feelings and thoughts when speaking with someone outside of your family and friends circle. Somone bearing witness to the experiences of loss can be powerful. A therapist can help you to process your grief, to make sense of it, to feel it more fully, and begin to build life around the loss — while holding on to the love.

Grief can be difficult to navigate. Some days, you may find steadiness. Other days, you may feel lost again.

If you feel it might be helpful to explore your grief further, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

Please feel free to message me with any questions or to arrange a free 20-minute chat to explore whether therapy with me might be a good fit for you.

Intro Photo by Reinaldo Sture on Unsplash

Full Article Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash